JACK’s Horror-scopes

- Thursday, February 1st, 2007 -

What’s your fortune?
What might the future hold?
Here’s a look at this month’s Horror-scopes!

Aquarius:
In case you haven’t noticed, this planet, this country, and especially this area, is a little wacky and might need some straightening out. Lucky for you there are already celebrity Aquarius in place that have set a precedent for you. Oprah, Abraham Lincoln, MacGyver, Thomas Edison and Magnum PI are all Aquarius and are great role models for the rest of you. Pick one and emulate the hell out of them. Be careful if you choose MacGyver because that guy was a trained professional.

Aries:
You remember how cool Garbage Pail Kids were? relive you inner childhood this week. Eat Kix, shun vegetables, play doctor. eat plenty of refined sugar.

Cancer:
Everybody is looking to you to be a leader. That may include leading them to the buffet.

Sagittarius:
Your increase in dancing is directly related to the laughter that gets directed at you. but keep doing it. Zeus is happy. Your power food is Chili Cheese Dogs.

Leo:
King/Queen of the jungle the Leo is. Talking like Yoda the Horrorscope is. Try it yourself you should. Lazy banana’s plantains are your power food.

Scorpio:
You really, really, really shouldn’t be a jerk. One day you will get old and will need somebody to empty that bedpan. Balance your meats, cheeses, cheeses wrapped in meats and meats wrapped in cheeses.

Libra:
Stay with that diet. Soon you’ll be able to prove your gender again. Keep eating celery and food that falls out of your ever shrinking fat folds.

Gemini:
You ain’t got no alibi and we’re not talking about Saturday night. You UGLY!!! It’s ok, this is Utah. Power food? Sparkling Cider.

Capricorn:
Ryan Seacrest is a Capricorn. Now do you still feel special? Didn’t think so. Eat whatever you want, you’re dead to us.

Pisces:
Continue your torture of Scorpio’s. This week try getting to repeat everything they say like you can’t hear them. Repeat this ad nauseum. Eat whatever the special of the day is but ask 11 times.

Virgo:
OK, the chest hair experiment didn’t work, did it? Look into all forms of fungal creams this week. Ladies, beware of men wearing gold chains. Power food this week is chocolate covered insects. Just do it.

Taurus:
When are you going to actually do something? No seriously, off your butt now and get to work on that novel. Drink plenty of Red Bull.

Posted on Thursday, February 1st @ 12:00 pm.