Funny News from TheOnion.com
- Thursday, July 26th, 2007 -
Entertaining news from a funny website!
INDIANAPOLIS—The National Science Foundation’s annual symposium concluded Monday, with the 1,500 scientists in attendance reaching the consensus that science is hard.
Farian explains the NSF findings. “For centuries, we have embraced the pursuit of scientific knowledge as one of the noblest and worthiest of human endeavors, one leading to the enrichment of mankind both today and for future generations,” said keynote speaker and NSF chairman Louis Farian. “However, a breakthrough discovery is challenging our long-held perceptions about our discipline—the discovery that science is really, really hard.”
“My area of expertise is the totally impossible science of particle physics,” Farian continued, “but, indeed, this newly discovered ‘Law of Difficulty’ holds true for all branches of science, from astronomy to molecular biology and everything in between.”
The science-is-hard theorem, first posited by a team of MIT professors in 1990, was slow to gain acceptance within the science community. It gathered momentum following the 1997 publication of physicist Stephen Hawking’s breakthrough paper, “Lorentz Variation And Gravitation Is Just About The Hardest Friggin’ Thing In The Known Universe.”
This weekend’s conference, featuring symposia on how hard the Earth sciences are, how confusing medical science is, and how ridiculously un-gettable quantum physics is, represented a major step forward for the science-is-hard theorem.
“We now believe that the theorem is 99.999% likely to be true, after applying these incredibly complex statistical techniques that gave me a splitting headache,” Farian said. “A theorem is like a theory, but, I don’t know, it’s different.”
Members of the scientific establishment were quick to affirm the NSF discovery.
The scientists’ assessment of a recent MIT paper on quantum physics.
“To be a scientist, you have to learn all this weird stuff, like how many molecules are in a proton,” University of Chicago physicist Dr. Erno Heidegger said. “While it is true that I have become an acclaimed physicist and reaped great rewards from my career, one must not lose sight of the fact that these blessings came only after studying all of this completely impossible, egghead stuff for years.”
Dr. Ahmed Zewail, a Caltech chemist whose spectroscopic studies of the transition states of chemical reactions earned him the Nobel Prize in 1999, explained in layman’s terms just how hard the discipline of chemistry is, using the periodic table of the elements as a model.
“Take the element of tungsten and work to memorize its place in the periodic table, its atomic symbol, its atomic number and weight, what it looks like, where it’s found, and its uses to humanity, if any,” Zewail said. “Now, imagine memorizing the other 100-plus elements making up the periodic table. You’d have to be, like, some kind of total brain to do that.”
As hard as chemistry and other traditional sciences may be, scientists say such newer disciplines as quantum physics are even more difficult.
“Quantum physics has always been a particularly tough branch of science,” UCLA physicist Dr. Hideki Watanabe said. “But in addition to being some of the smartest Einstein-y stuff around, it is undeniably a really stupid, pointless thing to study, something you could never actually use in the real world. This paradoxical dual state may one day lead to a new understanding of physics as a way to confuse and bore people.”
“I guess there’s cool stuff about science,” Watanabe continued, “like space travel and bombs. But that stuff is so hard, it’s honestly not even worth the effort.”
Posted on Thursday, July 26th @ 8:04 am.
Music News 7/11
- Wednesday, July 11th, 2007 -
Nope, not quite slurpies, but almost. It’s your music news for the 11th of July! Enjoy
VAN HALEN’S WIFE SPILLS THE BEANS.
Eddie Van Halen’s ex-wife and current Jenny Craig spokesperson, actress Valerie Bertinelli has written a memoir. In the pages of Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound At A Time, Bertinelli tells her story about growing up in front of the camera, her 20-year marriage to Van Halen, her struggles with depression, and her life-long battle with weight and self-esteem issues. She said, “Writing a book is an exciting new adventure for me. I’ve grown up in and out of the public eye, survived some tough times, learned some important lessons, and come out—as has my entire family—in a great place. I think it’s a recipe for a good book. Ironically, as there’s less of me, I have more to say.” Losing It… will be published by Free Press, an imprint of Simon and Schuster, Inc., in April.
INFAMOUS GUITARS COME TO CLAPTON’S GUITAR FESTIVAL
At Eric Clapton’s Crossroads Guitar Festival you will not only be able to check out some great music, you will also be able to see some great guitars. The festival has partnered with Guitar Center to bring three of the most infamous and valuable guitars on site for fans to check out. Clapton’s legendary “Blackie,” his “335,” and Stevie Ray Vaughan’s “Lenny” will be displayed at the show. Net proceeds from the July 28th show in Chicago will benefit The Crossroads Centre in Antigua, a treatment and education facility founded by Clapton for chemically dependent persons.
BLONDIE LENDS SONGS TO SUSAN.
NME reports Blondie has given the okay to have several of their songs used in the musical Desperately Seeking Susan. The show, which is based on the 1985 film starring Madonna, will feature Blondie’s “Heart of Glass,” “Atomic,” “One Way of Another,” “Dreaming,” “The Tide Is High” and a new song by frontwoman Debbie Harry. Harry described the show, saying, “It’s a live show so it is going to be different to the film, probably more lighthearted.” The musical is scheduled to open in London’s West End October 12th.
ONLY 19-MILLION PEOPLE WATCHED LIVE EARTH CONCERTS ON TV
The Associated Press reports that almost 19-million people watched Live Earth on NBC and its affiliates. It fell short of the two billion event organizers had hoped for. On the other hand, the organizers’ estimate was also supposed to include online viewers, whereas the 19 million figure only includes viewers who watched at least six minutes of the telecasts.
DAVE MATTHEWS’ CLEANS UP THE POO.
Dave Matthews and his wife Ashley just welcomed a new child into the world on June 19th. When the Dave Matthews Band played Live Earth this past weekend, Matthews talked to reporters about how he and his wife are going green, even in terms of caring for their new baby boy August Oliver Matthews. “We use cloth diapers for our new baby, that’s the number three pile of waste.” Disposable diapers might not be the third worst waste problem in landfills, but according to TheNewParentsGuide.com, it does take around 80,000 pounds of plastic and over 200,000 trees a year to manufacture disposable diapers for American babies alone.
COURTNEY LOVE DEBUTS NEW SONGS
Courtney Love debuted some new music off her upcoming album, Nobody’s Daughter, at a gig in London on Monday night. New songs included “Never Go Hungry Again,” “Pacific Coast Highway” and the title track. She also played Hole tracks, “Doll Parts” and “Celebrity Skin.” Love worked with former 4 Non Blondes singer Linda Perry on Nobody’s Daughter. A release date has not yet been set.
BONO TELLS MTV STAFF TO PUT A BULLET IN ITS COLLECTIVE HEAD
Bono was the surprise guest at an all-hands-on-deck meeting for the staff of MTV Networks yesterday, where he told them in order to stay with the times they needed to “put a bullet” in their collective “head.” He was speaking metaphorically, of course. He explained that the only reason U2 has remained successful is because of their willingness to kill off current versions of the band in favor of re-invention. He told the two-thousand person, capacity crowd at New York’s Nokia Theatre, “Imagine if there was no MTV now: What would it be tomorrow?” Highlights of his appearance included spot-on imitations of Bill Clinton’s American accent, referring to his conversation with George Bush as a “row” and responding to the question of one breathy female MTV staffer by saying, “You have an amazing voice.” He ended with the recommendation to MTV exec Van Toffler that staffers be allowed to give performance reviews to their superiors.
FORMER ALICE COOPER BAND GUITARIST HAD HEART ATTACK
According to Blabbermouth.net, Alice Cooper’s former Alice Cooper Band guitarist Dick Wagner recently suffered a very serious heart attack. Dick Wagner’s business partner Suzy Michelson told reporters that, Wagner “has been in ICU all week on life support, but I am very relieved to tell you he is finally coming back to us! As of today, we expect Dick to fully recover. Dick is not only a brilliant songwriter and phenomenal guitar player, but also a very special and beautiful man. If you want to send Dick a message you can do it via his web site or MySpace page and they will be passed on.”
GREAT WHITE GOES ON TOUR
Great White’s new release, Back to Rhythm, is set to hit stores July 17th, 2006. The album will be a mixture of new tunes and classic hits and its release will also mark the band’s 25th anniversary. In honor of the 25 years and the new album, Great White is hitting the road. Fans can next catch the band in Oklahoma City on Friday. Check out Mistabone.com for more details.
Posted on Wednesday, July 11th @ 10:04 am.