Hand Model
- Thursday, February 15th, 2007 -
Many of you wonder what our fine friend JACK looks like. Well, here’s a little known fact, . . .
JACK’s actually a hand model. The benefits of being a hand model are that people notice when you open a door, put on gloves, or scratch an itch. Historically, it is one of the least populated of all modeling vocations, but it’s growing industry as many fugly people explore new career paths. Just so you know, JACK is not one of those fuglies. You can tell by the hands, no? This is JACK’s hand doing what he loves- “Playing What We Want!” It’s all in the hands!
Posted on Thursday, February 15th @ 3:29 pm.
JACK’s Predictions for 2007
- Thursday, February 8th, 2007 -
Gazing Into the Stars -
Ok yeah, first off we are a couple of days late with our predictions for 2007 but since when have you known JACK to be punctual, accurate, or informative? We thought so, but for dung and giggles we thought, what the hey?
1. Britney Spears, in an attempt to return to normalcy, will marry the George Costanza guy from Seinfeld mistaking him for one time hubby, the other Jason Alexander.
2. Barry Bonds left bicep will explode from steroid use thusly ending his chances at starring in Over the Top 2: Electric Bugaloo with Sylvester Stallone.
3. Oprah’s Book Club will stage a hostile takeover of Congress and will decree Running with Scissors mandatory reading for 3rd Graders.
4. USU will win the NCAA football national championship and celebrate by lining up on State Street in Salt Lake while sticking their tongues out screaming, neener neener neener to the both schools down South.
5. Jessica Simpson, Dr. Phil, Rush Limbaugh, and Taylor Hicks will all be abducted by aliens, never to return to Earth. (Oh sorry, that was our Holiday Wish List)
6. Surprisingly enough Gary Coleman will be the one to officially bring sexy back.
7. The REAL Salt Lake deal will rise from the ashes of this past season like a phoenix and will finish next year much improved at 4-12.
8. Celebrity deaths in 2007? We’ll take Harry Potter, Bea Arthur, and Andy Griffith.
9. Rhode Island, the Dakotas, and Mississippi will all be kicked out of the United States of America for not being able to offer anything at all.
And lastly . . . .
10. JACK FM will continue to playing what we want!
Posted on Thursday, February 8th @ 12:00 pm.
JACK’s Horror-scopes
- Thursday, February 1st, 2007 -
What’s your fortune?
What might the future hold?
Here’s a look at this month’s Horror-scopes!
Aquarius:
In case you haven’t noticed, this planet, this country, and especially this area, is a little wacky and might need some straightening out. Lucky for you there are already celebrity Aquarius in place that have set a precedent for you. Oprah, Abraham Lincoln, MacGyver, Thomas Edison and Magnum PI are all Aquarius and are great role models for the rest of you. Pick one and emulate the hell out of them. Be careful if you choose MacGyver because that guy was a trained professional.
Aries:
You remember how cool Garbage Pail Kids were? relive you inner childhood this week. Eat Kix, shun vegetables, play doctor. eat plenty of refined sugar.
Cancer:
Everybody is looking to you to be a leader. That may include leading them to the buffet.
Sagittarius:
Your increase in dancing is directly related to the laughter that gets directed at you. but keep doing it. Zeus is happy. Your power food is Chili Cheese Dogs.
Leo:
King/Queen of the jungle the Leo is. Talking like Yoda the Horrorscope is. Try it yourself you should. Lazy banana’s plantains are your power food.
Scorpio:
You really, really, really shouldn’t be a jerk. One day you will get old and will need somebody to empty that bedpan. Balance your meats, cheeses, cheeses wrapped in meats and meats wrapped in cheeses.
Libra:
Stay with that diet. Soon you’ll be able to prove your gender again. Keep eating celery and food that falls out of your ever shrinking fat folds.
Gemini:
You ain’t got no alibi and we’re not talking about Saturday night. You UGLY!!! It’s ok, this is Utah. Power food? Sparkling Cider.
Capricorn:
Ryan Seacrest is a Capricorn. Now do you still feel special? Didn’t think so. Eat whatever you want, you’re dead to us.
Pisces:
Continue your torture of Scorpio’s. This week try getting to repeat everything they say like you can’t hear them. Repeat this ad nauseum. Eat whatever the special of the day is but ask 11 times.
Virgo:
OK, the chest hair experiment didn’t work, did it? Look into all forms of fungal creams this week. Ladies, beware of men wearing gold chains. Power food this week is chocolate covered insects. Just do it.
Taurus:
When are you going to actually do something? No seriously, off your butt now and get to work on that novel. Drink plenty of Red Bull.
Posted on Thursday, February 1st @ 12:00 pm.